Crop Circles in the Lower Field

Old Clarkey from End Cottage came lumbering up to me tother day whittering on about strange goings on in lower field, he said he saw strange lights and a "mithering" and next day there were intricate patterns in the rape that could only have been done by visitors fron another world.
Now if you knew Old Clarkey like we all do you`d think he`d been on the opium again but Lackey Junior and myself hurried down to lower field and lo and behold there it was, the perfect outline of a man embedded in the rape, exactly the same size and shape as Old Clarkey and the remnants of a sticky wad of Opium laying nearby.
It didnt take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that the outline was indeed Clarkey who must have laid down in the field to smoke his pipe and fallen asleep and on awaking thought that aliens had made the outline, we didnt have the heart to tell him, so that night after he came out of The Plough we kidnapped him and anally probed him in Pa Gutteridges barn.

The Minogue Threesome.

Kylie Minogue and her sister Danii, strangely spelt with a double i (must be aboriginal) popped in for their monthly threesome with old Pa Gutteridge from Turners End Farm yesterday, we caught a glimpse of them as they drove through the village.
They are both much bigger than they appear on my 11"Eckovision black and white goggle box but then thats not saying much.
Everybody keeps saying i should get one of those new fangled colour sets but the way i see it, if God wanted us to have colour television sets he can bloody well buy me one.!
Barleymow Cranmer said i should get one for the Royal Wedding, i did`nt even know there was a Royal Wedding , too bloody busy what with Lambing and everything.
Don`t get me wrong i`m no bloody republican or owt but sod em`, ive no time for weddings, ive got to help Mrs Patroon split up the latest shipment of finest Afghan smack,heroin dont just sell its self you know.!

Back From Libya

Phew! Its been a while, but Mrs Patroon, myself and Little Joe from Top Farm have just got back from Libya.
Little Joe suggested going after New Year but he had`nt finished thatching the barn, thus armed with pitchforks and a generous supply of Mrs Patroon`s ginger cake we set off for Benghazi.
It took a few weeks but we finally met up with the rebel forces who instantly took a liking to the dried Angel Delight Powder that was our main sustenance.
Mrs Patroon soon rallied this ragtag band of freedom fighters and showed them how to make jam and they soon had a Victoria sponge to be proud of.
Little Joe trained them in the art of corn dollies and i soon had them artificially inseminating the local bull.
Apparently Colonel Ghaddafi was kicking up some kind of stink but frankly we was`nt worried as he is only a Colonel, if i was in charge of a Country i would at least make myself a General.
His army must be so shit he cant even promote himself.
We landed at Brize Norton and got the bus back, Little Joe had some trouble getting on with the pitchforks but luckily the bus driver was old Ma Wilkins` boy Trevor, he`s a good un` Trev and let us on for free.
Quick cup of tea, then down to the lower field for ditch digging, bloody drainage again.!
All in all a good trip and we feel that we really made a difference.

TV CHEFS !!

All these TV chefs are doing my brain in , why can`t they leave me alone , i cannot go anywhere without a TV chef harrassing me , Jamie this, Gordon that.
For the love of God please please leave me alone , i have gravy not jus , i dont eat with my eyes , i eat with my teeth , i dont want two potatoes , i want at least six.
Nigella poncing round her pretend kitchen sucking asparagus like its a cock , if i want to view that i`ll log onto fat jewish birds.com.

The Village Green

It has brought to the attention of the village moot , that Fanbro Carlyle has been digging up the green ostensibly looking for moles , has it not occured to him that he is causing more damage than the actual moles themselves.!
Also it has been noted that Mrs Patroon has been cutting her heroin with unknown filler, thus the local schoolchildren have been getting less value for money and quite a lot of them have been seen around the memorial fountain looking quite normal and even well behaved , Mrs Patroon has promised that her next shipment will be of a much higher grade and quality, hopefully the children will once again be surly and lethargic and village life will be restored.

CARTER FISHBURN AND THE JUICEBUCKET QUIMBASHERS

Big Boy Magoo has been raving about a new band he recently saw at The Dog and Tampon open mic night , Carter Fishburn and the Juicebucket Quimbashers, he say`s they are a cross between the Glenn Miller Orchestra and Niggaz With Attitude.
I can`t see it myself , i went to school with Carter Fishburn and he used to wet himself in class screaming "ive come , i`ve come wee ".
Mrs Bromilow the english teacher once hit him across the face with a claw hammer and he barely noticed it , but Big Boy Magoo has never had great musical taste , i saw him at the bus stop once tapping his toes to the rhythm of his own flatulence.
Still its nice to see Magoo taking an interest in something vaguely cultural after all the trouble at the Harvest Festival when he ate the dog food that old Mr Daedelus had brought in, then tried to replace it with his own faeces.
That was the angriest i`ve seen the Vicar since his condom split in that choir boy last Michaelmas.

BIG BOY MAGOO

It seems that Big Boy Magoo has been seen parading through the village in the early hours dressed as a Nazi stormtrooper but only from the waist up apparently , God knows what he`s wearing on the nether regions ,if its anything like last time it will probably be the lower half of a pantomime horse.
Mrs Patroon of the General store and drug dealers said she was just bagging up some heroin for the village fete and saw him promenading down the main street shouting "bring out yer chutney".
If he`s not careful the village elders will more than likely call an emergency moot and that has`nt happened since the strange affair of Colonel Meriweather and the rancid long johns and we all know how that turned out.