Crop Circles in the Lower Field

Old Clarkey from End Cottage came lumbering up to me tother day whittering on about strange goings on in lower field, he said he saw strange lights and a "mithering" and next day there were intricate patterns in the rape that could only have been done by visitors fron another world.
Now if you knew Old Clarkey like we all do you`d think he`d been on the opium again but Lackey Junior and myself hurried down to lower field and lo and behold there it was, the perfect outline of a man embedded in the rape, exactly the same size and shape as Old Clarkey and the remnants of a sticky wad of Opium laying nearby.
It didnt take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that the outline was indeed Clarkey who must have laid down in the field to smoke his pipe and fallen asleep and on awaking thought that aliens had made the outline, we didnt have the heart to tell him, so that night after he came out of The Plough we kidnapped him and anally probed him in Pa Gutteridges barn.

The Minogue Threesome.

Kylie Minogue and her sister Danii, strangely spelt with a double i (must be aboriginal) popped in for their monthly threesome with old Pa Gutteridge from Turners End Farm yesterday, we caught a glimpse of them as they drove through the village.
They are both much bigger than they appear on my 11"Eckovision black and white goggle box but then thats not saying much.
Everybody keeps saying i should get one of those new fangled colour sets but the way i see it, if God wanted us to have colour television sets he can bloody well buy me one.!
Barleymow Cranmer said i should get one for the Royal Wedding, i did`nt even know there was a Royal Wedding , too bloody busy what with Lambing and everything.
Don`t get me wrong i`m no bloody republican or owt but sod em`, ive no time for weddings, ive got to help Mrs Patroon split up the latest shipment of finest Afghan smack,heroin dont just sell its self you know.!

Back From Libya

Phew! Its been a while, but Mrs Patroon, myself and Little Joe from Top Farm have just got back from Libya.
Little Joe suggested going after New Year but he had`nt finished thatching the barn, thus armed with pitchforks and a generous supply of Mrs Patroon`s ginger cake we set off for Benghazi.
It took a few weeks but we finally met up with the rebel forces who instantly took a liking to the dried Angel Delight Powder that was our main sustenance.
Mrs Patroon soon rallied this ragtag band of freedom fighters and showed them how to make jam and they soon had a Victoria sponge to be proud of.
Little Joe trained them in the art of corn dollies and i soon had them artificially inseminating the local bull.
Apparently Colonel Ghaddafi was kicking up some kind of stink but frankly we was`nt worried as he is only a Colonel, if i was in charge of a Country i would at least make myself a General.
His army must be so shit he cant even promote himself.
We landed at Brize Norton and got the bus back, Little Joe had some trouble getting on with the pitchforks but luckily the bus driver was old Ma Wilkins` boy Trevor, he`s a good un` Trev and let us on for free.
Quick cup of tea, then down to the lower field for ditch digging, bloody drainage again.!
All in all a good trip and we feel that we really made a difference.