IT`S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC.!

"All birds are gagging for my hot salty wang," so says Ferman O`Grady the three feet tall egg shaped Mayor of Skidmark pictured left leaving a private party at Christopher Biggins pied a`terre in Chiswick.
He is of course hoping for re-election this coming May at the local council elections, along with his long term Deputy Mayor Tommy the Dog Faced Boy.
Long rumoured to be a friend of Negus, Tommy has recently been seen around town squiring the lusty starlet Hogmany O`Quimbash second wife of The Duke of Cocksmoker heir to the vast tracts of land north of Skegness until recently in Viking hands.
Paparazzi are keen to get a photo of the two of them together and indeed one national newspaper is rumoured to have offered upwards of £2.44 + vat for a decent snap. The Duke of Cocksmoker has laughed off reports of infidelity by his slattern of a wife saying " ha ha ha ha " to such reports.
In the meantime the Coastguard are on high alert following reports of a long narrow thing, God help us !!

GOOGLE PRIVACY POLICY

Lots of discussion in the press recently regarding Googles new privacy policy which went live yesterday 1st March.
Apparently they have hired 225,000,000 spies worldwide, who will hide in your home and follow you around and examine your faeces for tapeworm and suchlike and go through your bins.
Barleymow Cranmer said that he`d seen a Google Spy hiding in the bushes near the War Memorial but had scared him off by shouting "Yahoo".
Rosie in the Cafe said two men came in last Tuesday and ordered a Skinny Latte and a Basil and Mozzarella Panini, Rosie told them to Fuck Off with their Gay London Ways, she is now convinced they must have been Google Spies.
Old Pa Clutterbuck claimed to have had a phone call from someone in India asking him if he wanted to change his electricity provider, considering Pa Clutterbucks energy provider is old Gertie`s dried cowpats and logs from the thickett he is now convinced that Billy Patel from Mumbai is also a Google Spy but obviously not a good one unless he gave a false name, "Billy indeed" cried Pa, " Bastard Slumdog"
The whole village is now paranoid, weve never liked strangers at the best of times hence the Barrow near Hilltop which far from being ancient only dates back to 1965 and some say contains the bodies of  Vietcong insurgents flown over by the Yanks at the Base near Barford St John to cover up the effects of Agent Orange.
So the last thing we need here is wholesale paranoia over bloody Google Spies hiding in the toilet, I for one do not believe it, but just in case, i am currently shitting in small freezer bags and hiding it in the woods.

VILLAGE GARDENING COMPETITION.

Lady Garden

What a winter!, no time for us to enjoy and celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ, not when there`s the drainage in the lower field to take care of.
Still most of us did manage to grab a bit of relaxation over the festive season ,although i was entertaining the troops in Afghanistan, could i get a smile out of that bloody Taliban, Could i fuck,!
The whole village has been gearing up for the bi-annual gardening competition, Mrs Patroon has won it for the last 22 years with her imaginative topiary in the Vaginal bush or Lady Garden department but this year there could be stiff competition from Rosie from the corner shop whose bush apparently resembles a Motown afro circa 1971.
The herbal medicine category is going to be a hard fought one this year with both Barleymow Cranmer and Pa Clutterbuck growing some fine weed with almost minimal use of hydroponics.
As usual there will be the normal array of sideshows and stalls and a possible live performance from a man who once saw Roger Whittaker in a cheesemongers in Holland Park.
I will be displaying my collection of German measles and Kylie Minogue will be singing from the Book of Revelations.
Tickets available from the TeaShoppe, non Jews welcome.

GOD ...WHAT GOD?

 The existance of God is a question long pondered over by Man since the beginning of time and cognitive thought, it is a question argued over and dissected by the greatest thinkers and Philosophers of all the ages.
 Faith is a concept that some critics have argued is opposed to reason and indeed the breadth of opinion in regard to the epistemological validity of faith is vast.
On one extreme is Logical positivism which denies the validity of any beliefs held by faith , on the other extreme is Fideism which holds that true belief can only arise from faith, because reason and physical evidence cannot lead to truth.
Well blow me down when Lackey junior came screaming into the pub last night claiming almost incoherently that he had found God in the cupboard under the sink.
Apparently he was reaching for the Mr Muscle Sink and Plughole Unblocker that he periodically pours down the sink as a precautionary measure as he has a habit of pissing in the sink as if its a urinal, when he felt something that he describes as furry.
Now! , logical thought would assume that he had found a rat or mouse, certainly something of the rodent family but Lackey seems to think it was Gods beard.
We tried to explain to him that the image of God with a beard was purely a Renaissance idea of Michaelangelos etc but Lackey is convinced it was God and who are we to argue.

BURNIN' and a LOOTIN' RURAL STYLEE.

The riots down in that there London made little impact here in Lower Sprockett, although Big Boy Magoo hired a minibus from Carters Pantechnicons ostensibly to go to Currys and PC World in Tottenham but they only got as far as The Flatulent Donkey in Upper Middenhurst where they stayed until closing time and then had a mini riot by the statue of Gordon of Khartoum consisting of Lackey Junior covering his face with a scarf and peeing in the fountain.
Quite frankly this happens most weekends anyway and Police presence was kept to a minimum as Pc Bloodfish of Middenhurst Constabulary was otherwise occupied sunk to the nuts in a Shetland Pony called Fat Susan.
Magoo had promised me an IPad 2 from Currys but i had to make do with a postcard of St Mary by the Pissoir, the renowned Gothic church and lavatory in Daverell St Leonard.
Disappointed to say the least, it doesnt even have Wi-Fi.!

PHONE HACKING, THE ENIGMA MACHINE AND CHIPS.

Pa Gutteridge whilst mushrooming in Chandlers Copse with his Vietnamese pot bellied pig Monty looking for the legendary 23 feet truffle, long rumoured to dwell neath the moist undergrowth came across a working model Enigma 3 circa 1943.

After he'd dragged it to the pub by a rope tied to the back of Rusty Bess his old tractor, we all gathered around it and after pronouncing it very interesting we all went for chips although Lackey junior had a Jamaican Pattie.

Barleymow Cranmer reckons we could use it for phone hacking, i cant quite see how, unless we threaten to bash Hugh Grant over the head with it until he gives us his ansafone pin.

The Enigma machine lived up to its name for quite a few days as we were buggerred with what to do with it, eventually we decided to re-bury it and lo and behold on so doing found the legendary 23 feet truffle which we sold to crater chinned jock Tv chef Gordon "Fuck off" Ramsey, he paid us £125.000 which we have donated to the Lower Sprockett Crochet and Knitting Circle.

They in turn have gone en-masse to The Maldives ostensibly to study Crochet Patterns of The Indian Ocean , lets hope they bring back something nice.

 

PETER FALK IS DEAD.

 He`s dead.

We were only talking about Columbo the other night in The Dog and lo and behold the next day he was dead, not that us talking about him actually led to his death you understand, it was just a coincidence.
Lackey junior seemed to think they were the worst "whodunnits" ever , we tried in vain to tell him that the whole idea of the programme was that the murderer was identified first and the plot was seeing how our one eyed sleuth solved it but Lackey was having none of it.!
Apparently Lackey The Man , Lackey juniors father used to watch it covering one eye up, so that he could`nt see who Columbo was talking to and in that way turn the programme into more of a mystery.
Sadly Falk suffered from dementia in the last few years and did`nt even know who Columbo was, it would have been interesting if he had made a couple of episodes as a cuckoo bananas dementia sufferer drooling over his raincoat and such.
Anyway Quincy is still alive so fuck him.!