PETER FALK IS DEAD.

 He`s dead.

We were only talking about Columbo the other night in The Dog and lo and behold the next day he was dead, not that us talking about him actually led to his death you understand, it was just a coincidence.
Lackey junior seemed to think they were the worst "whodunnits" ever , we tried in vain to tell him that the whole idea of the programme was that the murderer was identified first and the plot was seeing how our one eyed sleuth solved it but Lackey was having none of it.!
Apparently Lackey The Man , Lackey juniors father used to watch it covering one eye up, so that he could`nt see who Columbo was talking to and in that way turn the programme into more of a mystery.
Sadly Falk suffered from dementia in the last few years and did`nt even know who Columbo was, it would have been interesting if he had made a couple of episodes as a cuckoo bananas dementia sufferer drooling over his raincoat and such.
Anyway Quincy is still alive so fuck him.!

EGG + CHIPS = BEANS.!

 Old Rosie in the village cafe was aghast t`other morning as Big Boy Magoo forewent his normal fry-up and asked for muesli and a glass of orange juice.
When pressed on the matter he said he had seen a tv programme stating that too much fried food gave you genital warts and worse still the only way to get rid of them was to have mockney wideboy chef Jamie Oliver remove them with a nutmeg grater from his range of handy kitchen implements.
Not being a fan of the fat pretend italian, Big Boy has sworn off the grease and is on the fibre.
Rosie fearing that takings would dramatically fall has taken to frying the muesli in pork lard and it would seem that peace has been restored to the village with both Big Boy and Rosie happy with the compromise.

LAGER IS FOR QUEER CHAPS

The other night four of the boys from the neighbouring village came bold as brass into the Dog and Tampon, obviously all heads turned, apparently their pub "The Cowards Retreat" was having a refurb.
"Bloody refurb" cried Big Boy Magoo, the only refurb our pub sees is when they change the bloody sawdust.
Anyways this motley bunch of inbreds ordered lager, old Madge found four bottles out the back covered in dust and cobwebs, although for all these cleft palette throwbacks knew about beer she might just as well have pissed in the bottles. Old Pa Gutteridge got round to telling us about an article he`d read in The New Scientist that he used as toilet paper in his back outhouse, stating that an independant analysis of various lagers had been conducted at the University of Greene King.
It seems that the three eminent Professors Fuller,Smith and Turner have discovered a link between lager consumption and homosexuality.
Seventy men of varying ages and social background were fed differing quantities of this pisslike liquid and sent out into the high street and shopping centres of Britains main towns and apparently came back with purchases such as mascara ,handbags and celebrity gossip magazines.
After a day or two the same men were given the same quantity of ale and this time they came back with briar pipes, chunky knit cable sweaters and classic car magazines.
Proof positive say these learned men, that lager is for queer chaps.