IT`S TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC.!

"All birds are gagging for my hot salty wang," so says Ferman O`Grady the three feet tall egg shaped Mayor of Skidmark pictured left leaving a private party at Christopher Biggins pied a`terre in Chiswick.
He is of course hoping for re-election this coming May at the local council elections, along with his long term Deputy Mayor Tommy the Dog Faced Boy.
Long rumoured to be a friend of Negus, Tommy has recently been seen around town squiring the lusty starlet Hogmany O`Quimbash second wife of The Duke of Cocksmoker heir to the vast tracts of land north of Skegness until recently in Viking hands.
Paparazzi are keen to get a photo of the two of them together and indeed one national newspaper is rumoured to have offered upwards of £2.44 + vat for a decent snap. The Duke of Cocksmoker has laughed off reports of infidelity by his slattern of a wife saying " ha ha ha ha " to such reports.
In the meantime the Coastguard are on high alert following reports of a long narrow thing, God help us !!

GOOGLE PRIVACY POLICY

Lots of discussion in the press recently regarding Googles new privacy policy which went live yesterday 1st March.
Apparently they have hired 225,000,000 spies worldwide, who will hide in your home and follow you around and examine your faeces for tapeworm and suchlike and go through your bins.
Barleymow Cranmer said that he`d seen a Google Spy hiding in the bushes near the War Memorial but had scared him off by shouting "Yahoo".
Rosie in the Cafe said two men came in last Tuesday and ordered a Skinny Latte and a Basil and Mozzarella Panini, Rosie told them to Fuck Off with their Gay London Ways, she is now convinced they must have been Google Spies.
Old Pa Clutterbuck claimed to have had a phone call from someone in India asking him if he wanted to change his electricity provider, considering Pa Clutterbucks energy provider is old Gertie`s dried cowpats and logs from the thickett he is now convinced that Billy Patel from Mumbai is also a Google Spy but obviously not a good one unless he gave a false name, "Billy indeed" cried Pa, " Bastard Slumdog"
The whole village is now paranoid, weve never liked strangers at the best of times hence the Barrow near Hilltop which far from being ancient only dates back to 1965 and some say contains the bodies of  Vietcong insurgents flown over by the Yanks at the Base near Barford St John to cover up the effects of Agent Orange.
So the last thing we need here is wholesale paranoia over bloody Google Spies hiding in the toilet, I for one do not believe it, but just in case, i am currently shitting in small freezer bags and hiding it in the woods.

VILLAGE GARDENING COMPETITION.

Lady Garden

What a winter!, no time for us to enjoy and celebrate the birth of our lord Jesus Christ, not when there`s the drainage in the lower field to take care of.
Still most of us did manage to grab a bit of relaxation over the festive season ,although i was entertaining the troops in Afghanistan, could i get a smile out of that bloody Taliban, Could i fuck,!
The whole village has been gearing up for the bi-annual gardening competition, Mrs Patroon has won it for the last 22 years with her imaginative topiary in the Vaginal bush or Lady Garden department but this year there could be stiff competition from Rosie from the corner shop whose bush apparently resembles a Motown afro circa 1971.
The herbal medicine category is going to be a hard fought one this year with both Barleymow Cranmer and Pa Clutterbuck growing some fine weed with almost minimal use of hydroponics.
As usual there will be the normal array of sideshows and stalls and a possible live performance from a man who once saw Roger Whittaker in a cheesemongers in Holland Park.
I will be displaying my collection of German measles and Kylie Minogue will be singing from the Book of Revelations.
Tickets available from the TeaShoppe, non Jews welcome.