MIDGET ALERT

All residents please be on the lookout for three midgets last seen loitering close to the water fountain on Ducketts Lane.
They appear to be armed although not fully and are deemed to be somewhat spooky and are known to freak you out, if like Pa Gutteridge you are fond of the pipe.
Although childlike in size they are apparently adult in thought and deed and can quite easily bring down a gazelle in full flight although i might be confusing them with something i may have seen on a David Attenborough documentary.
Even so, please be careful if approached and bear in mind if sexually aroused that although they are over the age of consent and thus legal it is frowned upon in decent society.

SUPER DUPER INJUNCTION

 Over a few pints in the Dog t`other night Old Clarkey told us about an assignation he had back in the fifties with froggy sex kitten and all round hornbucket animal rights activist Brigitte Bardot.
Apparently it was a full blown affair lasting over a month, Old Clarkey was working on a yacht in the South of France as a waiter when she fell for his charms.
It transpires that last week confronted with a large vets bill for his sheepdog Albert, Clarkey tried to sell his story to the Lower Sprockett Weekly Shopper for £41.17 + vat and a bottle of Cillit Bang.
Upshot is Old Leatherface Frog hears about this and slaps one of those Supercalifragalistic Injunctions on the local rag and Old Clarkey.
He is now furious and cant wait for her to die.!!

SPROCKETT WOOD

Crikey!. Big Boy Magoo came running into the Dog t`other evening claiming to have seen witches in Sprockett Wood as he walked to the pub.
He took this shot on his phone and to be fair he seemed more disturbed than usual.
He was shaking and after a brandy or three he settled down and told us he was taking a short cut through Chandlers Copse when he happened upon a coven chanting spells, they turned and saw him and he just ran like the wind.
Old Pa Gutteridge said this sort of thing was very common in the old days when folk had no television and perhaps their tv had broken down and they were bored, doesnt seem like much of an explanation to me but Pa Gutteridge has had half of his brain taken out and Lackey Junior knows one of the nurses up at Cottage Hospital and she reckons they took out the good half.
Anyway to put Big Boys mind at rest, myself. Lackey Junior and Brewster Cocknocker the church warden hastened up to Sprockett Wood to have a gander but we only got as far as the War Memorial on Field Way when Barleymow Cranmer poked his head out of the window of his cottage and was sick over the hydrangeas shouting "your mother sucks cocks in hell".
He says he was only re-enacting his favourite scene from The Exorcist but it gave us such a scare that we abandoned the mission and went back to the Dog.
I think Witch finding will have to wait till another day, perhaps some things are better off left alone.

BLOODY EUROVISION

Its Eurovision again, ding a dong every hour when you kiss a flower, some Romanian gypsies were seen skirting the edge of Lower field and Old Clarkey let off both barrels and thought he`d winged one of em`but they had armour on made from layers of the Big Issue but i digress, once again this great nation of ours famed for "Puppet on a string" and other worthwhile ditties will once more be humiliated by the slavic horde voting in unison.
The glory days of Lulu are behind us i`m afraid, there will be no more "Congratulations" for the likes of Peter Pan of Pop Cliff (chicken neck ) Richards, Ma Clutterbuck of Gurneys Farm said she saw him live on stage in 1933 at Nuremburg wearing a Nazi uniform and a Charlie Chaplin moustache but i think she must be confusing him with someone else.
Big Boy Magoo reckons not only is everybody in the Eurovision Song Contest gay but any one who watches it is also gay.
I for one will be watching it, tucked up with a large bag of Mrs Patroon`s finest Afghan heroin and a bag of Revels.Come on Blue.!!

A VISIT FROM HORSINGTON



Shaven Horn

 The Horn paid us a visit to help us out with the drainage in Lower field t`other day, he had some fancy ideas that he brought up with him from Kent.
It basically boiled down to 2 rolls of Plenty and a J cloth to mop it up, not our our idea of drainage but there`s some funny ways in Kent.
We popped into Rosie`s Tea Shoppe (with an e on the end for the tourists), Horsington ordered a bottle of Scotch and a half pipe of Gum , he then swung from the mounted stags head and tried to grab hold of Rosie herself, Rosie being a black belt in Gun running pulled out an Uzi 9mm and offered him a zero survivability situation ,to which he rather wisely declined.
Then onto the Dog and Tampon for the session, Pa Gutteridge was holding court and took rather a shine to Old Horsington`s beard, likening it to a Badger he had gassed only the day before.
Big Boy Magoo came in about 9ish waving a Rabbit he`d shot, he was wearing a Fearne Cotton mask and asking people if they knew where the Pope was, as he thought he`d seen him up by End Cottage.
Horsington proclaimed himself Pope Finder General and rushed out into the night to hunt down Il Papa and save the village from the Papist threat.
Lackey Junior got up to sing a Pagan homage to the Jack o` the Green but fell over the prone body of Barleymow Cranmer who had pissed himself in fear at the Fearne Cotton mask of Big Boy Magoo.
Horsington returned fifteen minutes later saying the Pope had got away after shinning up a tree and saying a mass in latin from the top branch.
Old Madge behind the jump was screaming that her face was melting, Horsington started to sing Stranglers hits , amidst the mayham and cries of "walking on the beaches looking at the peaches", i glanced over at Mrs Patroon in the corner who smiled knowingly at me and tapped the side of her long nose.
It then dawned on me she`d been testing out her homemade LSD which she`d put in the cider barrel , what a night ! Horsington was discovered in the morning asleep on the grave of Colonel Merriwether our revered village patron and once Englands most notorious paedophile.
Horsington was wearing the head of a goat that had been hollowed out , and had cheese sandwiches pinned to his jacket in the shape of a swastika, we carried him to the train and waved him off, thank God he only visits twice a year.!

SHOW ME THE BODY

There seems to be some argument over the authenticity of the reports into the death of Osama Bin Laden.
Mrs Patroon of the General Store and Drug dealers in the village says she saw this man last week buying a Telegraph and a Snickers bar, only he called it a Marathon, Oh how we laughed !
Personally i think he looks nothing like Bin Laden, but then what do i know, ive been certified blind since birth and really dont know what the fucks going on half the time.