A VISIT FROM HORSINGTON



Shaven Horn

 The Horn paid us a visit to help us out with the drainage in Lower field t`other day, he had some fancy ideas that he brought up with him from Kent.
It basically boiled down to 2 rolls of Plenty and a J cloth to mop it up, not our our idea of drainage but there`s some funny ways in Kent.
We popped into Rosie`s Tea Shoppe (with an e on the end for the tourists), Horsington ordered a bottle of Scotch and a half pipe of Gum , he then swung from the mounted stags head and tried to grab hold of Rosie herself, Rosie being a black belt in Gun running pulled out an Uzi 9mm and offered him a zero survivability situation ,to which he rather wisely declined.
Then onto the Dog and Tampon for the session, Pa Gutteridge was holding court and took rather a shine to Old Horsington`s beard, likening it to a Badger he had gassed only the day before.
Big Boy Magoo came in about 9ish waving a Rabbit he`d shot, he was wearing a Fearne Cotton mask and asking people if they knew where the Pope was, as he thought he`d seen him up by End Cottage.
Horsington proclaimed himself Pope Finder General and rushed out into the night to hunt down Il Papa and save the village from the Papist threat.
Lackey Junior got up to sing a Pagan homage to the Jack o` the Green but fell over the prone body of Barleymow Cranmer who had pissed himself in fear at the Fearne Cotton mask of Big Boy Magoo.
Horsington returned fifteen minutes later saying the Pope had got away after shinning up a tree and saying a mass in latin from the top branch.
Old Madge behind the jump was screaming that her face was melting, Horsington started to sing Stranglers hits , amidst the mayham and cries of "walking on the beaches looking at the peaches", i glanced over at Mrs Patroon in the corner who smiled knowingly at me and tapped the side of her long nose.
It then dawned on me she`d been testing out her homemade LSD which she`d put in the cider barrel , what a night ! Horsington was discovered in the morning asleep on the grave of Colonel Merriwether our revered village patron and once Englands most notorious paedophile.
Horsington was wearing the head of a goat that had been hollowed out , and had cheese sandwiches pinned to his jacket in the shape of a swastika, we carried him to the train and waved him off, thank God he only visits twice a year.!