All these TV chefs are doing my brain in , why can`t they leave me alone , i cannot go anywhere without a TV chef harrassing me , Jamie this, Gordon that.
For the love of God please please leave me alone , i have gravy not jus , i dont eat with my eyes , i eat with my teeth , i dont want two potatoes , i want at least six.
Nigella poncing round her pretend kitchen sucking asparagus like its a cock , if i want to view that i`ll log onto fat jewish birds.com.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
The Village Green
It has brought to the attention of the village moot , that Fanbro Carlyle has been digging up the green ostensibly looking for moles , has it not occured to him that he is causing more damage than the actual moles themselves.!
Also it has been noted that Mrs Patroon has been cutting her heroin with unknown filler, thus the local schoolchildren have been getting less value for money and quite a lot of them have been seen around the memorial fountain looking quite normal and even well behaved , Mrs Patroon has promised that her next shipment will be of a much higher grade and quality, hopefully the children will once again be surly and lethargic and village life will be restored.
Also it has been noted that Mrs Patroon has been cutting her heroin with unknown filler, thus the local schoolchildren have been getting less value for money and quite a lot of them have been seen around the memorial fountain looking quite normal and even well behaved , Mrs Patroon has promised that her next shipment will be of a much higher grade and quality, hopefully the children will once again be surly and lethargic and village life will be restored.
Monday, 1 November 2010
CARTER FISHBURN AND THE JUICEBUCKET QUIMBASHERS
Big Boy Magoo has been raving about a new band he recently saw at The Dog and Tampon open mic night , Carter Fishburn and the Juicebucket Quimbashers, he say`s they are a cross between the Glenn Miller Orchestra and Niggaz With Attitude.
I can`t see it myself , i went to school with Carter Fishburn and he used to wet himself in class screaming "ive come , i`ve come wee ".
Mrs Bromilow the english teacher once hit him across the face with a claw hammer and he barely noticed it , but Big Boy Magoo has never had great musical taste , i saw him at the bus stop once tapping his toes to the rhythm of his own flatulence.
Still its nice to see Magoo taking an interest in something vaguely cultural after all the trouble at the Harvest Festival when he ate the dog food that old Mr Daedelus had brought in, then tried to replace it with his own faeces.
That was the angriest i`ve seen the Vicar since his condom split in that choir boy last Michaelmas.
I can`t see it myself , i went to school with Carter Fishburn and he used to wet himself in class screaming "ive come , i`ve come wee ".
Mrs Bromilow the english teacher once hit him across the face with a claw hammer and he barely noticed it , but Big Boy Magoo has never had great musical taste , i saw him at the bus stop once tapping his toes to the rhythm of his own flatulence.
Still its nice to see Magoo taking an interest in something vaguely cultural after all the trouble at the Harvest Festival when he ate the dog food that old Mr Daedelus had brought in, then tried to replace it with his own faeces.
That was the angriest i`ve seen the Vicar since his condom split in that choir boy last Michaelmas.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
BIG BOY MAGOO
It seems that Big Boy Magoo has been seen parading through the village in the early hours dressed as a Nazi stormtrooper but only from the waist up apparently , God knows what he`s wearing on the nether regions ,if its anything like last time it will probably be the lower half of a pantomime horse.
Mrs Patroon of the General store and drug dealers said she was just bagging up some heroin for the village fete and saw him promenading down the main street shouting "bring out yer chutney".
If he`s not careful the village elders will more than likely call an emergency moot and that has`nt happened since the strange affair of Colonel Meriweather and the rancid long johns and we all know how that turned out.
Mrs Patroon of the General store and drug dealers said she was just bagging up some heroin for the village fete and saw him promenading down the main street shouting "bring out yer chutney".
If he`s not careful the village elders will more than likely call an emergency moot and that has`nt happened since the strange affair of Colonel Meriweather and the rancid long johns and we all know how that turned out.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
THE LOWER FIELD
FARMER BLOODFISH HAS BEEN COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT THE TYPE OF MANURE I`VE BEEN LAYING IN THE LOWER FIELD RECENTLY.
APPARENTLY THE STENCH HAS BEEN PERVADING HIS COTTAGE AND LINGERING IN THE FURNISHINGS AND CURTAINS, AND HIS WIFE WHO IS ALSO HIS SISTER CANNOT RID THE HOUSE OF THIS SMELL.
WELL ,I CALMLY EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT I HAVE BEEN SNEAKING INTO HIS HOUSE WHEN THEY`RE OUT AND SHITTING BEHIND THE RADIATORS AND WHAT WERE THEY GONNA DO ABOUT IT.
THEY WERE FURIOUS BUT SO WHAT , HE`S NEARLY 90 AND PARTIALLY SIGHTED AND SHE`S A CLEFT PALATTE, HAIR LIP THROWBACK.
APPARENTLY THE STENCH HAS BEEN PERVADING HIS COTTAGE AND LINGERING IN THE FURNISHINGS AND CURTAINS, AND HIS WIFE WHO IS ALSO HIS SISTER CANNOT RID THE HOUSE OF THIS SMELL.
WELL ,I CALMLY EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT I HAVE BEEN SNEAKING INTO HIS HOUSE WHEN THEY`RE OUT AND SHITTING BEHIND THE RADIATORS AND WHAT WERE THEY GONNA DO ABOUT IT.
THEY WERE FURIOUS BUT SO WHAT , HE`S NEARLY 90 AND PARTIALLY SIGHTED AND SHE`S A CLEFT PALATTE, HAIR LIP THROWBACK.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
ELECTION 2010
Watched the first of the american style election debates the other day, what a load of toot, Nick Clegg was put through to boot camp by Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan , he apparently "nailed it" , Simon Cowell however said it was the worst audition he`d ever seen.
Gordon "Littlewoods" Brown so called because he`s one at home and one away visually speaking, had a bad evening,he was derided by the press the following day for not looking directly at the camera, go figure.!!!
Cameron was just a wanker , no substance , just another Blair with a blue rosette.
Simon put him through because of his back sob story, both Ant and Dec were shocked.
This is the future people , press the red button for your Prime Minister now.!!!
Gordon "Littlewoods" Brown so called because he`s one at home and one away visually speaking, had a bad evening,he was derided by the press the following day for not looking directly at the camera, go figure.!!!
Cameron was just a wanker , no substance , just another Blair with a blue rosette.
Simon put him through because of his back sob story, both Ant and Dec were shocked.
This is the future people , press the red button for your Prime Minister now.!!!
Sunday, 21 March 2010
BIG BOY MAGOO
I SAW BIG BOY MAGOO YESTERDAY , HE WAS DRUNK AS USUAL OR MAD OR BOTH, ANYWAY, HE CAME UP TO ME AS I WAS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO THE MAKE -UP ON THE MARIONETTE I`D BEEN WORKING ON.
LEND US A TENNER HE SPLUTTERED AT SO CLOSE A RANGE I COULD SEE HIS TONSILS "I WANT TO BUY A FISH".
THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET RID OF HIM WAS TO GIVE HIM THE TENNER , BUT SOD THAT! , I PRETENDED THAT I WAS ON MY WAY TO TIBET AND THAT I HAD TO GO RIGHT AWAY.
NO WAY WAS I GOING TO GIVE THAT MADMAN A TENNER TO BUY A FISH.
FOR A START HE DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER FISH, CHRIST KNOWS HOW MANY FISH HE`S ALREADY GOT , SO I ASKED CHRIST WHO SAID IT WAS 43
THATS A LOT OF FISH BWANA.
LEND US A TENNER HE SPLUTTERED AT SO CLOSE A RANGE I COULD SEE HIS TONSILS "I WANT TO BUY A FISH".
THE QUICKEST WAY TO GET RID OF HIM WAS TO GIVE HIM THE TENNER , BUT SOD THAT! , I PRETENDED THAT I WAS ON MY WAY TO TIBET AND THAT I HAD TO GO RIGHT AWAY.
NO WAY WAS I GOING TO GIVE THAT MADMAN A TENNER TO BUY A FISH.
FOR A START HE DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER FISH, CHRIST KNOWS HOW MANY FISH HE`S ALREADY GOT , SO I ASKED CHRIST WHO SAID IT WAS 43
THATS A LOT OF FISH BWANA.
Friday, 19 March 2010
RULA LENSKA
I saw Rula Lenska in TK Maxx , she had skinny legs encased in black leather and a short feathery black jacket , she had a huge red bouffant hairdo like a hair helmet on her head.
I followed her as she fingered the garments on the rails ,i don`t know what i expected from following her , i thought maybe she would lead me to the Time Warp Tunnel that she had quite obviously discovered.
It seemed that she had come straight from the 1980s through this tunnel and somehow landed in my time , the way she touched the clothes in TK Maxx seemed as if she was confused and surprised by the fashion and prices of my time.
I watched her leave the shop without purchasing anything , she walked off down the road , my eyes followed her but the rest of me did`nt .
I felt a bit sorry for her , she was out of her time and maybe she would never get back.
I followed her as she fingered the garments on the rails ,i don`t know what i expected from following her , i thought maybe she would lead me to the Time Warp Tunnel that she had quite obviously discovered.
It seemed that she had come straight from the 1980s through this tunnel and somehow landed in my time , the way she touched the clothes in TK Maxx seemed as if she was confused and surprised by the fashion and prices of my time.
I watched her leave the shop without purchasing anything , she walked off down the road , my eyes followed her but the rest of me did`nt .
I felt a bit sorry for her , she was out of her time and maybe she would never get back.
Friday, 26 February 2010
BT MONKEYS STINK OF POO. !!
I AM HAVING SO MUCH GRIEF FROM MY BT BROADBAND ,CONSTANT DISCONNECTS SINCE JANUARY, PHONED ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS TO THE INDIAN CALL CENTRE AND GONE THROUGH THE SCRIPT WITH THE SLUMDOGS ,THEY WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT ITS A LINE FAULT.
AFTER MUCH COMPLAINING THEY EVENTUALLY AGREED TO SEND AN ENGINEER, ON THE DAY SPECIFIED HE FAILED TO SHOW UP ,PHONED SLUMDOG AGAIN, THIS TIME CALLED "JOHN" TYPICAL SLUMDOG NAME, WHO INFORMED ME THAT THE COMPUTER HAD CRASHED AT THE EXACT TIME MY APPOINTMENT WAS BEING BOOKED....YEAH RIGHT.!!!
THE ENGINEER CAME THE FOLLOWING DAY, I SAY ENGINEER LOOSELY , HE JUST GOT A BRAND NEW UNBOXED SEALED HOMEHUB FROM HIS VAN, PLUGGED IT IN ,THEN PRONOUNCED IT FAULTY AND WENT TO HIS VAN FOR ANOTHER ONE, THIS ONE WORKED ,SO HE THEREFORE PRONOUNCED THE LINE FINE AND TRIED TO SELL ME A NEW HOMEHUB.
HE FAILED TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT THE FAULT IS INTERMITTANT AND HIS NEW HOMEHUB MAY WORK FOR A WHILE BUT THE FAULT WILL COME BACK AND HE ALSO DIDNT CARE THAT THE THREE MODEM/ROUTERS I HAVE TRIED CANNOT ALL BE FAULTY AND INDEED WORK PERFECTLY ON MY NEIGHBOURS BT LINE BUT NOT MINE.
PLUGGING IN A HOMEHUB FOR TWO MINUTES IS NOT MY IDEA OF BEING AN ENGINEER, NEEDLESS TO SAY THE FAULT CAME BACK THIS TIME WITH A BRAND NEW MODEM/ROUTER.
BACK ONTO THE SLUMDOGS, "MARY" THE SLUMDOG THIS TIME , SHE TOLD ME THAT THEY HAVE ESCALATED MY PROBLEM AND THAT A BROADBAND ENGINEER WOULD VISIT ME, "WHAT THE FUCK", SO WHO WAS THE GUY WHO CAME, SOME HOMEHUB SALESMAN OR WHAT.!
I HATE BT, I HATE BT`S SLUMDOG SERVICE DEPARTMENT , I HATE THE FACT THAY HAVE A MONOPOLY ON THE LINE UNLESS YOU GO CABLE.
I FUCKING HATE BT.!!!
AFTER MUCH COMPLAINING THEY EVENTUALLY AGREED TO SEND AN ENGINEER, ON THE DAY SPECIFIED HE FAILED TO SHOW UP ,PHONED SLUMDOG AGAIN, THIS TIME CALLED "JOHN" TYPICAL SLUMDOG NAME, WHO INFORMED ME THAT THE COMPUTER HAD CRASHED AT THE EXACT TIME MY APPOINTMENT WAS BEING BOOKED....YEAH RIGHT.!!!
THE ENGINEER CAME THE FOLLOWING DAY, I SAY ENGINEER LOOSELY , HE JUST GOT A BRAND NEW UNBOXED SEALED HOMEHUB FROM HIS VAN, PLUGGED IT IN ,THEN PRONOUNCED IT FAULTY AND WENT TO HIS VAN FOR ANOTHER ONE, THIS ONE WORKED ,SO HE THEREFORE PRONOUNCED THE LINE FINE AND TRIED TO SELL ME A NEW HOMEHUB.
HE FAILED TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT THE FAULT IS INTERMITTANT AND HIS NEW HOMEHUB MAY WORK FOR A WHILE BUT THE FAULT WILL COME BACK AND HE ALSO DIDNT CARE THAT THE THREE MODEM/ROUTERS I HAVE TRIED CANNOT ALL BE FAULTY AND INDEED WORK PERFECTLY ON MY NEIGHBOURS BT LINE BUT NOT MINE.
PLUGGING IN A HOMEHUB FOR TWO MINUTES IS NOT MY IDEA OF BEING AN ENGINEER, NEEDLESS TO SAY THE FAULT CAME BACK THIS TIME WITH A BRAND NEW MODEM/ROUTER.
BACK ONTO THE SLUMDOGS, "MARY" THE SLUMDOG THIS TIME , SHE TOLD ME THAT THEY HAVE ESCALATED MY PROBLEM AND THAT A BROADBAND ENGINEER WOULD VISIT ME, "WHAT THE FUCK", SO WHO WAS THE GUY WHO CAME, SOME HOMEHUB SALESMAN OR WHAT.!
I HATE BT, I HATE BT`S SLUMDOG SERVICE DEPARTMENT , I HATE THE FACT THAY HAVE A MONOPOLY ON THE LINE UNLESS YOU GO CABLE.
I FUCKING HATE BT.!!!
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
MY BALLS HAVE DROPPED
My balls have dropped , nothing strange about that you may say at my age and indeed in normal circumstances you would be correct.
But you would be wrong, so wrong , my balls dropped whilst i was on the toilet and smashed the porcelain into myriad pieces , when i stood up they were swinging like two demolition balls and smashed the bathroom tiles and cracked the basin.
On closer inspection my GP says they appear to be made from Industrial strength Stainless Steel with a Tungsten Carbide inner core, he has no idea how this could have happened.
One explanation could be that late last week i was abducted by Aliens who subjected me to some strange experiments , during these tests maybe just maybe the Aliens turned my balls into steel, after all stranger things have happened.
But you would be wrong, so wrong , my balls dropped whilst i was on the toilet and smashed the porcelain into myriad pieces , when i stood up they were swinging like two demolition balls and smashed the bathroom tiles and cracked the basin.
On closer inspection my GP says they appear to be made from Industrial strength Stainless Steel with a Tungsten Carbide inner core, he has no idea how this could have happened.
One explanation could be that late last week i was abducted by Aliens who subjected me to some strange experiments , during these tests maybe just maybe the Aliens turned my balls into steel, after all stranger things have happened.
Monday, 25 January 2010
GIRLS BAH.!!
Girls are really over rated in my opinion , they can`t run properly , they can`t climb trees , they can`t throw a ball over arm properly.
They can sew and knit and play the harpsichord though and some of them can press flowers.
Apparently some of the more working class ones can cook, our cook Mrs Kemp is a very good cook ,Father says she does the best Kedgeree he`s had since India.
Sarah our upstairs maid can even light a fire and she is quite strong , she sometimes has to carry the heavy coal scuttle upstairs by herself.
My brother says the reason girls wear make-up and perfume is because they`re ugly and smell , my brothers in the army , he played bridge and drunk port all through the Battle of The Somme ,its generally considered that he had a good war.!
I do so hope there`ll be another war soon but Uncle Buffy says that its unlikely as that was the war to end all wars ,but Uncle Buffy said that when he came home from The Boar War and he was wrong then , so fingers crossed he`ll be wrong this time.Hurrah.!!
They can sew and knit and play the harpsichord though and some of them can press flowers.
Apparently some of the more working class ones can cook, our cook Mrs Kemp is a very good cook ,Father says she does the best Kedgeree he`s had since India.
Sarah our upstairs maid can even light a fire and she is quite strong , she sometimes has to carry the heavy coal scuttle upstairs by herself.
My brother says the reason girls wear make-up and perfume is because they`re ugly and smell , my brothers in the army , he played bridge and drunk port all through the Battle of The Somme ,its generally considered that he had a good war.!
I do so hope there`ll be another war soon but Uncle Buffy says that its unlikely as that was the war to end all wars ,but Uncle Buffy said that when he came home from The Boar War and he was wrong then , so fingers crossed he`ll be wrong this time.Hurrah.!!
Friday, 22 January 2010
SPUD U LIKE
Whatever happened to Spud u Like. ?
They used to be on most high streets but alas seem to be no more.
I did`nt like every spud , in fact some spuds i actually disliked , one spud in particular i rather hated and was in fact quite scared of.
A most hateful spud who would shout obscenities as i passed , i later found out it was`nt personal , it was a Tourettes spud who could`nt help it.
But i digress , spuds in general are to be liked and i cannot quite fathom why they have diminished in the high street.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
CASH FOR GOLD
The current plethora of Cash for Gold TV adverts are doing my head in at the moment, they keep using the phrase "send us your "unneeded" gold when they should use "unwanted" gold , you don`t NEED Gold , you might want it but you don't bloody NEED it you morons.
There's one particular woman who says she sent in the wedding band from her first marriage and got more money than she could "ever imagine" , she either had one fuck off ring or she has a very small imagination.
I rang them up pretending to be one of the Brinks Mat bullion robbers and asked for two million pre-paid envelopes so i could send them my ingots ,they cut me off , they don`t want real gold just broken earrings and shit.Wankers.!!
There's one particular woman who says she sent in the wedding band from her first marriage and got more money than she could "ever imagine" , she either had one fuck off ring or she has a very small imagination.
I rang them up pretending to be one of the Brinks Mat bullion robbers and asked for two million pre-paid envelopes so i could send them my ingots ,they cut me off , they don`t want real gold just broken earrings and shit.Wankers.!!
Monday, 18 January 2010
FAT PEOPLE
The amount of fat people on the streets is really starting to annoy me , why can`t they just stay at home watching tv and stuffing themselves.?
But no , they have to go wobbling along the streets blocking the pavements with their fat kids in tow, all stuffing their fat faces as they barrel along spraying food.
Do they not realise how aesthetically unpleasant it is for me to have to look at them.?
Fat young girls parading along as if they`re Gods gift , has someone somewhere told them they`re beautiful or something?.
Low cut jeans with rolls of backfat, midriff revealing tops with layers upon layers of soft blubber, stay at home you Fat bastards.!!
Fat men with nylon football shirts stretched over fat bloated beer bellies ,sports wear now seems to be worn by the very people to whom any physical exercise is an anathema, its the stretch waist bands they like, Fat bastards.!!
Sunday, 17 January 2010
PETER P PETERSON
Doe`s anybody agree with the mad rantings of that idiot Peterson ?
His column in last weeks Telegraph made me apopletic , if he likes capital punishment so much why does`nt he live there.!
The Spanish have as much right to toilet paper as the rest us,don`t they.?
I`ve seen things,believe me. i`ve seen things, sometimes they were things that nobody else saw but that does`nt mean they were`nt there, doe`s it. ?
His column in last weeks Telegraph made me apopletic , if he likes capital punishment so much why does`nt he live there.!
The Spanish have as much right to toilet paper as the rest us,don`t they.?
I`ve seen things,believe me. i`ve seen things, sometimes they were things that nobody else saw but that does`nt mean they were`nt there, doe`s it. ?
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